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Published 02-11-2021 Edited 03-30-2021 & 04-14-2021
*...one note I changed this from 'We Must' to "We Can..." as I realized I worded this message in the same way I describe NOT wording messages intended to invite others to consider new or different ideas! So in honor of NOT insisting that 'we must' or that anyone 'must', I have updated this title and article to invite us to believe We Can Grow.
Inspired by Julia Cameron's meme below from 02-11-2021
For most people - our 'closest family and friends' can be the most discouraging of our growth, greatness, and evolution.
Not from a lack of love for us - but from the common mistake of believing we know a person inside and out. This creates an atmosphere where one can not grow or evolve.
Normalizing their unique greatness [as Trent Shelton has said].
And often out of fear - fear of losing us, fear of seeing us struggle, fear of embarrassment, fear of the unknown, and very often - out of desire to keep us close to them - which can sometimes have the unintended - but disastrous consequence of forcing us to Stay Small for others' - Others who supposedly love us best of all. Click below to Read more👇🏼
Sometimes other people desire us to fit in, to belong to the family unit, the community, the traditions, the rituals, and for us to go along with the way things have been, the way things are, and will continue to be - as they DESIRE.
Maybe as it really has always been this way, or that way, as they hope it will be, will stay, as they want it to be, maybe they think it is the best way, or only way to do things.
Often these kinds of desires 'for us' are really for them, and can cause endless suffering to those of us who do not actually fit in, or desire the same lifestyles of those that are telling us that this is the way to be.
++At times, our loved ones selfishly want us to be Who they envision us to be, or Want us to be - often for their own reasons that they are convinced are for our best interests and benefit.
Some people believe it is selfish for Us to live as We choose, need, desire and design because it doesn't serve their purposes, or their expectations of life, family, friendship, or what they want - often they also do not see the irony of believing that We are the selfish ones for living for Our own needs and purposes instead of us living for their needs and purposes.
There are even those who give birth to us with the sole expectation that we would be born as unformed clay that they are free to mold into whatever THEY wish and intend us to be.
Then - they can not even comprehend that each person is their Own person, with our Own purposes, our Own life and lives to live, and our Own visions to dream into our own realities.
Some parents can not even comprehend that their child is born with their own self, own needs, own purposes, and own authentic, genuine, real, actual self.
Humans are meant to live in families, ideally, groups of loving supportive people. But too many of us are not born into families that create the space needed to become an authentically expressed person. More simply stated, some parents, and or families do not allow us to be ourselves.
You are your Own person, with your own purposes, your own life, your own reasons, and your own dreams to live into your own reality.
Yes, it can be sad and painful to realize this - AND it can also be freeing, truly liberating for us to allow ourselves to move away from 'oppression' and toward our greatest, truest ambitions.
If anyone is holding you back, or pushing you down, or trying to force or enforce a way of life, of self expression, of living, and loving, a way of livelihood, or pursuits of our own choosing, then they are attempting to oppress you.
We can Own our Own Lives - and Own our Own dreams that we intend to live out and to create, and to manifest and co-manifest with the like-minded people who do truly support us and want the same things we want.
For those who were born into naturally, organically, supportive family and friendships that uplift your best self - embrace your blessings!! You are truly blessed. I would say, also extremely rare in my experience. If that is sad, that is sad because it is also true.
For the majority of us though, who are not born into families and friendships that naturally support us, and often, blatantly oppose our authentic personal growth desires, it is important to acknowledge, to truly acknowledge and accept that the support we need is lacking in these relationships - and to learn to cultivate new relationships with people who really, truly do support our genuine best selves.
As Julia Cameron said in the meme that inspired this article, 'We must choose supportive friends with whom we can safely share our dreams'.
To keep in line with avoiding messages framed with 'we must', I say...We CAN!! We can choose supportive friends!!! We can choose supportive friendships and form our own family of choice. Of our own choosing.
Learning to love our dear ones - without believing that THESE specific people MUST support us, must understand us, must agree with us, or even must give us their blessings and approval to pursue our truest desires and to be our truest selves - without that 'must', can free up these relationships from certain types of stress and volatility that harms our growth as well as our relationships with those very people.
Ideally our beloveds will continue to love us - while we grow beyond their comfort zones - expectations - and desires for us - but we can not hinge our willingness to go to these new places in our own development and growth on their agreement and partnership with us. And often also, not on their blessing or even their understanding of us and of who we are and need and want to be.
Sometimes staying closely connected to those who actively oppose our growth - or even disapprove of us simply living as we need to causes us the most harm of all.
{*To clarify, I believe in freedom in romantic and/or sexual lovestrictly and ONLY within the context of consenting adults. It is crucial to me in the delivery of my message of 'freedom of love' that is it crystal clear that I reject any claim of freedom of love in anyone who abuses, and also anyone claiming that romantic/sexual love can exist between an adult and anyone other than another consenting adult. I feel morally, and socially responsible to frame my claims of 'freedom to love and love as one chooses' only within the context of consenting adults. Children can NEVER consent as they are children. ANYTHING that has ANY concept of children and sex is a crime. A crime, an abuse, a violation, a molestation, and wrong in every way.}
*Within that context, We all deserve to live life free from violence, free from abuse, to live freely, to live with love freedom, to love who we choose, to love who we do love, gender freedom to be free in our gender fluidity and expression, religious freedom, political freedom, career freedom, fashion freedom to wear whatever we want to wear regardless of the so-called 'boundaries' , 'gender specifications, and 'restrictions*' - (refer back to the exception about age - which always has *age of consent restrictions)
All of these ways of living that many people choose restrictions for us that we may not choose for ourselves, again, unless it's *age of consent. Always age of consent required.
It may be, it can be impossible and unfortunately some families give ultimatums - such as - "Live as we've determined you must live..." or "Don't live as we've determined you must NOT live..."- or be disowned - cut off - cut off emotionally - cut off financially - and in all senses of belonging to family, to your family, or to family as you know it, and sometimes to belonging to friendships. Maybe even friendships you have had a lifetime.
But for some of us - disconnecting with the 'family' or 'friendships' who intend to force us to stay small - and can NOT love us for who- and what- and why we really are - find that staying closely linked in those relationships can be like...
... Death before death - living as if already dead - living life going through the motions for others and not having any spark of life to live for ourselves...
- - - - - - - - -------------
Unfortunately, this can have fatal consequences for some people. And it does.
Leaving these relationships or simply moving ahead and altering the framework in which we live inside of these relationships, in these circumstances, may be the only option to save {and live} your own life.
Most often those 'closest' to you may want to keep you right where you are - close to them. And that may be from love, it may be from fear or from their own selfish desires for us to live as they've decided we must live. There's that dreaded 'we must'. When other people tell you, 'you must', that is problematic. Maybe they hoped or expected that we would live how they wanted, or be who they expected us to be.
Even if that selfish desire is simply out of their 'love', them 'loving' us, and wanting us to be next to them, it can sometimes still be harmful.
We can allow ourselves to grow beyond what others believe we can [or should] and make our own path for our own purposes.
Believing in ourselves when our 'very own family and friends' do not can be excruciatingly painful and challenging, difficult and maybe even feel impossible.
But what is the alternative?
How many people cut off their greatness - and even their own basic sparkle? Fabulous personalities cut off because of disapproval from family, so-called friends, and community?
Worst of all, how many people have taken their own lives from the devastating rejection of their authentic selves?
I feel called to speak up and encourage anyone who is struggling with allowing yourself to grow! Please believe, you CAN ALLOW YOURSELF TO GROW!! You can allow yourself to be your truest authentic self!
Your family may reject you, but let's create the global family that accepts our individuality, and truest expression of self!
Let's believe, and KNOW, that the right people can and WILL connect with us - once we start to allow our true selves to shine and sparkle more - and more authentically.
Yes, I know, it can feel desperately lonely to move away from the closeness of those we know - and what we know - but it can also be guiding us to the uplifting - connections that we truly need to continue fulfilling our real purpose - that We get to determine for our Own visions!
Allow yourself to be the best of the best of the best so that you can live your win win win win.
Unfortunately sometimes, the people who we were born into blood family relationships with, or the friendships that we made in our previous years, may be ill-matched for our continued evolution. Those connections, relationships, people, or commitments may see us, need us, and want us to fit into what they've decided is who and what we ought to be. Maybe who and what we once were. Maybe what we once agreed too. Maybe what we once promised, and once lived as our reality.
It may be crucial to a specific career, or relationship that we actually 'must be' a certain way, live a certain lifestyle, and genuinely be well matched for that situation.
One career may thrive on absolute stability and require one to be in the same physical place, within the same hours each day, day after day, and has little to no flexibility in time and place. Other careers can only function if someone travels frequently, weekly, and even daily. One career may require weeks of isolation, constant driving. Another may require life threaten dangers daily.
One relationship may require absolute stability of time and place. Another may only thrive and exist within almost complete flexibility.
What specific relationships or careers require to thrive and evolve is infinitely varied.
Becoming our most genuine selves, aligning with how we like to exist, allowing ourselves to acknowledge, accept, admit, and move toward all the career choices, and relationship choices that feel the most connected with the aspects of ourselves that we feel most connected to - is a method for choosing a happier life.
It can sound counter-intuitive to say - in order to be your happiest self and live your happiest life, you have to completely destroy your relationships and career!
It may not be that extreme for you to allow yourself to be real, but for some people it is. Or it will be.
For some people, they are married to someone that they can not be authentic with, therefore they can not be authentically happy in that marriage. For some, a career, or job, or any life circumstance, situation, or position requires something of that person, that they can not truly be or do and also be being their real self.
It does sound selfish to be selfish enough to be genuine, even if that damages, destroys, or ends relationships. But I believe if it was inauthentic, and unhappy in the first place, is it really being destroyed?
Is it really something that SHOULD or OUGHT TO or even CAN continue in a healthy way? And it is anyone's place, outside of agreement not to harm, abuse, or molest people, is it anyone's place to tell another what they should want, love, or need? Is it anyone's place to control another?* Refer back to Age of Consent caveat, and no harming, or molesting, or killing anyone.
Is it anyone’s place to control another? Outside of those general rules of nonviolence we can all {mostly all} agree on, because everybody deserves to live free from harm.
Beyond that is it really anybody’s place to control another’s thoughts? Feelings? What they do, how they show up, how they dress, what they believe in, who they love*...
It may be your own spouse, your own mother, father, sister, brother, child, or 'best friend', it may be your very own self who's decided that you ought to be someone that you're not actually happy being.
'Should' one live an inauthentic life For another person who wants you be to be someone you really aren't?
Maybe they don't realize it, or see it? Maybe they do. Or maybe they don't even care that trying to force you to be who they want you to be, or trying to insist that you should live life as they have decided it should be lived, not only does not bring you joy, does not make you happy, or full-filled, but also may even be harmful, painful, and causing you extreme misery and suffering.
Sadly, sometimes we're living lives that we had previously agreed to, in a past version or phase of ourselves, but as we grow and develop, we know that our old lifestyle, or even old promises are no longer sustainable, genuine, or even healthy.
Maybe you feel paralyzed to become your truest self because in order to do so, your former self, and your former life may be 'destroyed' by the shift.
There may be extreme guilt over this. You may even feel that others' anger towards you is justified. It may be true that you let them down, failed to follow through with your promises, said you would do one thing, and then you did another.
Being your truest self may even 'destroy' the lives that others built up around the expectations they had based on you being one way, or based on your promises and now your coming out as needing, or wanting to live another way makes it impossible for their life to continue as is.
Ideally one would not make life altering promises to others that are against their authentic needs, but the impact of growing up being told you must live contrary to your authentic needs often creates confusion in people, and causes millions of people to live inauthentic lives.
Every day, every second, right now, Countless people are in ill-matched, terribly misaligned careers, marriages, relationships, education paths, lifestyles, religions, and the list goes on endlessly.
This is not about bashing people for living a lie, nor is this an excuse for the actual destruction, and emotional chaos caused when people break away from those ill-suited circumstances.
This is a call to those who are afraid of their own truths to consider the long term pain vs the short term destruction.
True, many lives can be unrecognizable once someone begins to live their authentic truth that they previously repressed, denied, or shunned.
You may break a heart or many. Maybe your mom, dad, wife, husband, partner, boss, best friend, any even your own heart will break, shatter, and turn to dust. But the phoenix that rises from the ashes of your former life, your former life of lies, will be a happier, truer you, a happier truer life.
It can be devastating when someone we love chooses to move on from the relationship we once had, or thought we had. But the truth is a happier place to base our life plans on. Your loved ones may be heartbroken, but living a life that is based on lies can never be authentically happy.
So it's up to ourselves to, as Julia Cameron says, to "Carefully choose supportive friends with whom we can safely share our dreams."
And I add...to find people we can share our dreams with, AND build them with... safely, and joyfully so we can manifest and co-manifest, create and co-create the lives that we truly want to.
To believe that we can have the confidence - the faith - and belief in ourselves, that our truest greatness comes from us being truly authentic.
Allowing ourselves to continue to grow and develop - may mean moving ahead - moving on - and moving forward from relationships that may have been our previously 'closest' relationships.
May they be blood relatives - parents, best friends - even spouses - sometimes business relationships that once served us - or once was what we knew - and no longer serves us - and we can allow ourselves to shed our old patterns to build our new selves - the greatest selves that we can allow ourselves to grow and become.
{*To clarify, I believe in freedom in romantic and/or sexual lovestrictly and ONLY within the context of consenting adults. It is crucial to me in the delivery of my message of 'freedom of love' that is it crystal clear that I reject any claim of freedom of love in anyone who abuses, and also anyone claiming that romantic/sexual love can exist between an adult and anyone other than another consenting adult. I feel morally, and socially responsible to frame my claims of 'freedom to love and love as one chooses' only within the context of consenting adults. Children can NEVER consent as they are children. ANYTHING that has ANY concept of children and sex is a crime. A crime, an abuse, a violation, a molestation, and wrong in every way.}
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